I know it’s vegan week, but we can get back to vegan recipes tomorrow, I have some thoughts I need to get off my chest.
I have body dysmorphic disorder. It’s the same disorder that a lot of anorexics and bulimics suffer from. No matter how much I workout, how healthy I eat, or what size pants I can squeeze into, when I look in the mirror I see a 300 pound Mary staring back at me.
I’ve struggled with this disorder since I was a teenager. I was a little overweight in jr high school when someone in my family called me obese.
I know now that this family member was only trying to help, but at that time I was mortified. I remember crying myself to sleep that night; not because I was obese but because I didn’t know how to change it. So I did what any awesome 13 year old would do, I increased my eating to annoy my family and sooth my pain. I always had 2nds sometimes 3rds at dinner, and once everyone went to bed I would sneak and eat. I continued to sneak and eat all the way up to age 25. I would call a restaurant, order a full meal with extra sides and woof it down in the car, making sure to discard my evidence (trash) before I arrived at home. When I got home I would tell my significant other that I was starving and proceed to eat again.
I was on a horribly destructive cycle when I finally woke up and decided to do something about it. It took me a year to loose over 150 pounds, and I’ve been successful at keeping the weight off. When I meet my current boyfriend I gained 30 pounds during our first year of dating. He didn’t say a word, i jumped into high gear and lost the weight and he still doesn’t address my weight gain and loss.
Instead of being comfortable in my slim skin I find myself scrutinize my looks more then ever. I actually felt freer when I was 300+ now I’m always worried my stomach looks big or my butt is starting to sag or my arms look flabby. My constant struggle with my self-image should affect my confidence but it doesn’t. I know I’m beautiful, I just want to be my version of beautiful. Slim waist, nice butt, toned arms, 6 pack, the full package. I feel like I deserve it and so does my loyal boyfriend.
But as I get older and older I realize my version on beautiful maybe unobtainable to me. Truth be told my skin is taunt and tight everywhere but my midsection. No matter how much I diet, how many abdominal exercises I do the skin doesn’t shrink and my stretch marks haven’t faded.
This year I will be 32 years old! I love my age, I’m proud of where I have been and where I am going. I realized a few days ago I had to get comfortable in my skin. No more faking it or avoiding the mirrors, no more comparing myself to 20 year old video vixens.
As much as I long for tight skin and killer curves I have to accept what I am and what I have. I know I’m beautiful but every time I look in the mirror a 300 pound chick looks back at me.
I’m sharing this with all of you because this is the reason I started this particular blog.
Evolving with Mary means Mary is evolving!
I am going to try to be happy and comfortable with the body I have. I know I’m beautiful and I’m proud of my size 9. All I can do is keep working out, stay positive and keep being the best Mary I can be.
Many people have told me that I’ve changed their life, not only with my positive attitude but the fact that I am not a size 2 and I still put myself out there. This is more of me putting myself out there.
Love you all!